Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
