I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
