i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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