I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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