Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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