just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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