He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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