If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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