The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
