I wish my penis had an off switch
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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