i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
