Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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