i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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