Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
