Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
