I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
