How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
