i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
it hurts more in the daytime
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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