Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
