Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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