bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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