I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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