I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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