The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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