If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
