Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize