Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
