I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
