she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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