So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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