I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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