we have officially lost it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
