I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
