i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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