She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
