Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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