laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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