Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
