if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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