when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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