Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
