Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
