You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
