the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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