I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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