Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
