you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
