Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Randomize
