A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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