she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
