Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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