now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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