I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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