Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
