thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You're like the curious george of whores
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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