if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
