Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
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