i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
