Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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