I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize