i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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