Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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