Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
