I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
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