we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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