Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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