It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize