found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
